Of Girls I Thought Beautiful

Some people ask me to explain my sexuality. Because "bisexual" is too vague a term. They have to know everything. I think if they could... they'd ask if i was ambidextrous so I could finger my female lover and myself at the same time. But I think they can see that that's going too far... I mean... I hope they can see...

So here's the thing. I'm not hugely experienced when it comes to sexual activity. That goes for both sexes. If you've never seen me do any "straight thing," then there's a 99.9% chance you've never seen me do a gay thing. The only things I have to go on are the way things make me feel. No one suspects me to be the one checking out some other girl's legs in class for 10 minutes because I'm a girl and that's not supposed to be attractive to me. Cleavage shouldn't be an issue, and asses are irrelevant. Except they're not. And I do look. And I do sometimes stare...entranced at the beauty of a female's curves.

But I think if I still need to qualify myself, I'd like to toast to the ones who convinced me that I couldn't be boring and straight.

So here's to the first girl who I held hands with, as friends. Her graceful fingers interweaving with mine. Me willing my hands not to sweat. And playing with her hands because I love touching her even though I don't totally believe we feel the same way about each other. Wanting to kiss her that day... wondering how her lips would feel, how she would react. Here's to her...

Here's to the girls who I've flirted with who've flirted back. This means whether or not they were straight, I hit on them and they reacted well. They flirted back, I touched them and they didn't flee. Regardless of what it meant to them, it meant a lot to me, gave me permission and confidence to do it with a girl for who it will mean something, the right things.

Here's to the girls around me who were brave enough to come out before me, and let me know that it was okay, and I wasn't alone. Here's to the girls who expressed their attraction to other girls, or their pride in their sexuality. Even that element of personality- I used to be attracted to, and to an extent still am. That pure bravery was and still is sexy to me. The ones who cut their hair short, and are proud to call themselves women. I love that.

Here's to the first girl I've ever kissed. Thank you for your poetry, you're words, your touch, promise, attention and kiss. You showed me that I was desirable. I'm sorry I could not be in the relationship you wanted, that I wasn't as committed to us as I might have seemed. But don't think I don't value you, because I do.

Here's to them. I don't know if they qualify me as anything, but they've helped me more than words can ever express.