The Rules of Attraction and Us

She's fucked up.

She fucks shit up.

She pisses you off.

She's easily pissed off.

You fucked up

Which is easier than fucking off.

I guess we can blame you

For what she did

If you heard.

If they didn't blame you

For the red flood in the bathtub.

Cut wrists glittering like zirconias.

Did you see the broken heart

Swirling around her in the bathtub?

Did you see the abandoned dreams

Like neglected children in the water?

You probably weren't brave enough to look

You probably weren't brave enough to talk

Not brave enough to confess your fuck ups

Not brave enough to try to love her alone.

Whatever you were looking for could not be

And would not be found in the smashed pieces

Of her shattered heart, cutting into your heels

Crushing into sand and you hardly noticed.

Were you oblivious to the pain you caused her?

Did you think nothing would matter?

Did her numbness to the world rub off on you?

Were you convinced you'd soon be through?

Did you feel the thumping in her chest across the city?

Or did you think she just took it kinda easy?

Were the rage and then the calm a normal sequence?

Was that the kind of thing you'd come to expect?

You take it like it shouldn't have been a big deal

Your pregnant other woman and your dead girlfriend

She sort of solved the problem of you living with her,

Sort of solved her problem of living without you.

Despite what you think,

The sacrifice of her body meant something

She chose to give you something

That she could never give to anyone else.

She chose to burn the feeling of union with you,

Into her brain, into her memory,

And you chose to ignore the sacrifice.

To burn it with another woman's passion.

And so, no, it didn't mean anything to you

And you expected her to be fine,

To get over the end of this,

To lose all of what she gave to you.

How was she to live without a heart?

She gave hers to you (stupidly but still)

And you threw it away without care

Like you barely noticed.

And you thought she could live without it,

Expected her to live without you

Cause you always thought she was strong.

Strong and could take all the punches.

She could roll with the punches

Living without consideration

Pleasures superseding her in all importance,

Everything superseding her in importance.

But maybe you saw the truth once she was gone,

Saw the dead heart in the bloodless lips.

Unsurprised by her and your dry eyes

Because you knew it wouln't hurt her.

I Like To . . .

I like to dream
When I feel trapped, I close my eyes and go to a better place. I don’t dream about being a movie star, or being someone really cool. I dream about hanging out with the people I like to be around the most. I replay and recreate the best moments of my life. In my dreams I am happy, happiness that I don’t experience elsewhere . . . And then I wake up

I like to run
Running is an out of body experience for me. It’s like I’m superwoman. With every stride I take it feels like I’m overcoming another problem. I feel in control of my life. I feel like I have the world at my fingertips. I look at my stopwatch and time is in my hands. When I run, I feel so strong. I compete in the sport, but honestly I don’t run to be better than others, I run for me!

NaPoWriMo-Day 18: Lover

You come up behind me,
lace your arms around my waist
I tilt my head back
Awkwardly, but happily, we kiss.

He breathes warm air on my neck
And I quiver in other places.
And as he kisses me on my shoulder
I can feel his lips forming a mischievous smile.

A poet knows when she's found a lover,
With his hands and lips that wander and explore
With a voice that sings her name in passion
And a mind that positively complements her own.

He leads her into the eager and hungry darkness
And together they create the brightest light.
He helps her break through self imposed chains
He helps her conquer her fears of vulnerability.

Falling into him she is at her weakest,
But he takes her to heights unimagined
And she knows there might be pain ahead
But he teaches her to live for the present.

NaPoWriMo- Day 17: Perhaps they won't notice

She cries on her way to school,
Her mascara smudges around her eyes
The eyes themselves are bulbous and red
But perhaps, she thinks, they won't notice.

She's refusing to eat in public,
It's the fifth day in a row,
And her stomach churns in pain,
But perhaps, she thinks, they don't notice.

She's grown tired of the hair,
It just kept weighing down her head,
So she chopped it and wore a cap,
But perhaps, she thinks, they won't notice.

The irritation has spread from the inside out,
And fingernail marks now color her arms
And her lips are scarred from biting too hard.
But perhaps, she thinks, they won't notice.

She's had her heart broken, and life seems too long
So she's downed all the booze, and popped all the pills
She lays in the tub with her eyes closed, the door locked
And perhaps, she hopes, when she's gone, they won't notice.

NaPoWriMo- Day 16: Last Shot

The rain falls on my window and the pavement
It echoes off of everything like machine gunfire.
It sends a cold into my bones and I feel sick.
My stomach loses its grip, and lurches ahead.

Always on rainy days I can't help but remember
Always on rainy days I can't help the nostalgia.
I remember the pain of not having you near me
I remember the ache of needing nothing more.

I remember when fear was the closest to losing you
I remember when all I had to do was think your name
And you would somehow know in your infinite wisdom,
That I wanted to hear that you were thinking of me.

And even though we're both moving in new directions,
And you seem to be in the thrills of young love,
And I'm falling faster than I though possible,
I can't help but think of you, can't help missing you.

It's so hard to dance in the rain when,
All it makes you want to do is cry.
It's hard to enjoy the sound of raindrops when,
The falling in the silence reminds me of your absence.

NaPoWriMo- Day 15: Ladies

I can't not be bisexual,
Believe me, I've tried.
But when I see a beautiful girl,
My heart does its own thing.

I have no choice in body's reaction,
And even I sometimes find it shocking,
When I'm quiet and jealous of boyfriends,
When I think that I can do it better than him.

See, ladies hold this weird kind of allure,
That makes you want to be around them,
That makes you want to pretend to listen to them
And act like you understand what they're trying to say.

I've been on the receiving end of feigned understanding,
I've been the object of something like mimicked interest,
Yes, I've been there and back and still don't quite know,
What this thing is that I have and am drawn to as well.

"You're so bi" my friends laugh, because it only makes sense
The thing that gives ladies their powers of seduction,
The thing that creates this weird kind of magnetism,
I use it without realizing it, and am also attracted to it.

"The thing about ladies that you seem to love,"
All the boys who've loved me, have said to me
"Are all the things that I love about you." Together,
Laughing and kissing, we'd check out hot girls.

NaPoWriMo- Day 13: Last Night

Last night my body betrayed me again.
And I've only felt pain since then.
From the tightness in my neck,
To the fiery burning in my eyes
It's turned against me and i don't know why.

Sure I've been unkind to this body,
Sure I've degraded its curves
And sure I've been ungrateful for its use.
And last night, I wrapped body in gray
And unmoving, there I lay.

Trying to appease body, I gave it rest.
Trying to appease body, I slept.
I slept over six hours,
But body does not forgive.
I am tired, and body aches.

Last night's rest was not enough.
Last night's sleep didn't work.
Last night's cold still chills my bones
And I have to wonder what body wants
Maybe body just needs someone to hold